I sit here, under-slept and over-tired and under-deodorized. Indulging in my second cup of coffee and thinking about my past month. A blessed month… first I trekked in the Himalayas (where a nighttime thunderstorm lit up 360 degrees of Himalaya snug tight around us – the most beautiful scene I’ve witnessed) and then I learned about Buddhism at a Tibetan Monastery (where I explored un-explored and under-explored nooks of my mind).
Mama Anu (Kicking myself now, as I realize I have no good pictures of the whole family together.)
What Have you Learned from this Experience?) Yes. Reflections…
* * *
11 months and 12 days ago I sat in the same shiny wooden seat in the same eerily Starbuck’s-esque coffee shop in the Doha Airport. I was on the same layover, but in reverse…
Like before, men in white turbans shuffle past, followed close by figures clad in floor-length black burkhas, slits in the eyes revealing beady glances but no skin. Like before I’m bleary-eyed from latenightpacking and goodbyes and travel. Like before, I…
…I’m tempted to launch into an exposé, a sequence of what’s-different about me now. One year later. Because sitting here in this same-same place, I notice how not same I feel.
And I will. With a caveat though, an awareness that I can’t, I’m not, perceiving the deepest tectonic plate shifts. Not yet. Over the next weeks, months, years, as I meet objects and situations from my Pre Nepal life, Ah-Has will happen. I'll think, I would have done that differently before and Wow – I remember I used to have this attitude about that but now…
So before I plunge into my former life – a cozy bubble of family, friends, coastal towns, familiar dogs and routine – what I write is un-tested, wobbly. But it is real hereandnow, as I sit in My Coffee Shop in the Gulf (Ha! What would the stern waiter say to that?), sipping a latte (my first in a year).
I feel older. No gray hairs... yet. But in the bright bathroom airport lights I did notice cracks, hair-width, sprouting from my eyes. Their seeds were likely planted long before Nepal; while scratching my temple with an eraser during a college final or dashing to catch the subway in New York.
Seeds already planted, during the past year they began to sprout. Each time I shuffled past a street beggar and told myself don’t feel bad you work for a humanitarian organization so I didn’t have to look him or her in the eye, the cracks deepened. Every time I sat in Kathmandu’s constipated traffic and let it bother me, let the dust and soot and rotting trash fumes seep in the window and into my brain, igniting the I’m late and I Blame it On the Traffic tension that drips down to my shoulder muscles, the cracks spread. Ice cold winter showers wedged them open, and so did long sunshine-less days behind a desk, days when I stood and my knees cracked. They’ll continue to deepen, and (though hopefully not for some decades) the same causes will turn my hairs one by one, from brown to silver.
But the cracks are just the surface. Under the cracks, wisdom happens, too. As does stupidity, but I’ll get to that. There’s new clutter in the top of my brain… skills and knowledge that isn’t broad or deep enough to be called wisdom yet. But precursors maybe. Unlike the me who sat in this coffee shop 11 months and 12 days ago, today’s me can speak basic Nepali. I know how to balance budgets and write proposals. I can manipulate language, and this is my one marketable skill – a skill that I can take pride in when the ends (projects) justify the means (proposals and reports). And when the ends are worthy. I wish I’d seen more of the ends.
Plunging deeper still. (Am I at wisdom yet? Or still just brain stuff?) I can look a taxi driver in the eye, connect with him (I’d say “or her” but never met a woman taxi driver in Kathmandu), get underneath that thin protective barrier we arm ourselves with (especially in taxis) and tell him, No, that’s not a fair price. (Or, Hoina, dherai mahango cha, dai.) I can be direct and honest without wincing because I’m more confident about right and wrong and even if someone has a million times fewer rupees than I have, I will tell them when I believe something is unfair. That’s new.
Deeper still, another layer underneath. My mind feels looser, less wound, better able to breath and say ke garne ('what to do?') when something bumps into My Plan. More a product of the past one-month than the past 11, after 10 mind-altering days at a Buddhist monastery.
This self-reflection, navel-gazing could go on pages more. And it will in my mind. (It continues now, as I write this…I’m more cynical. And more hopeful. My lungs are sootier. I am more patient…my mind continues.) But my flight boards and in 30 minutes I’ll be hurtling through the sky in a metal tube, catching up with the sun’s spreading clasp around the world. Racing towards a country I feel unacquainted with. A country that’s been through a lot since I last saw it. Its economy burped and hiccuped then fell ill. And a new leader took power who's steering the big, vague, red-white-blue blob that we call America in a direction we’re all meant to feel better about.
Most of you are in that country and I’ll see you within days (parents), weeks (most family), months (most friends). I’ll save the mind searching, the reflections for when I meet you all soon. Over a cup of Nepali tea and a vein-popping hug. (I haven’t hugged – really hugged in 11 months either. Only Namastes and head bows. Pent up hug energy – watch out.)
I can’t wait to see how you’ve changed, too.